Saturday, June 28, 2014

Rocket Roll

I was scrolling through my blog last night to try and find a certain photo and realized just how often I used to grab my camera for every little event so I could post them here to remember. It's so, so nice to be able to look back on here at so many of the little events and thoughts of my life from a few years ago and wondered if I could ever start it up again. Having that thought in my mind, I saw my camera as we were headed out the door for some fun today and decided to grab it. It feels good to be able to document a little bit of my daily life again! 
We headed out to the desert today to shoot off some rockets with a few of my nieces and nephews. It was a blast (no pun intended). We also flew kites, shot, and blew up things. Darby wasn't such a big fan of the wind and loud noises, but it ended up being an awesome Saturday morning!

Hooking up the launch pad to the car battery 

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Dear Darby,

Tiny toes and itty-bitty clothes, teething drool and wisps of new blonde hair on your head. All of it happening so fast, you're growing and growing right before my eyes. I wish I could keep it all in the palm of my hand but I'll only be left with memories and a few photos once your babyhood is gone. You came here in a flash and now you're learning and growing since the moment you were born. You were supposed to stay tiny and immobile for longer (or at least I tried to convince you to). This last week you've been showing off your abilities to the max and it made me realize how much I want to remember all of your little milestones. 
I put you on your play mat the other day and you ended up across the living room during the two minutes I turned my head. "How did you do that?!" I exclaimed, but I guess it was your little secret. You've managed to do it a couple more times without me looking, but I'll catch you one day! 
You've been sitting up by yourself. Suddenly. I forgot how suddenly that happens.  I can't leave you on the couch anymore. After several consecutive times of you trying to roll or dive off I had to give up on it. 
We took you swimming for the first time and you liked it way more than I imagined. You seemed happy the rest of the day. I think it's one of your favorites. 
You're other favorite is swinging. We do it at the park when you're in your wrap, but even more you like your automatic swing and even MORE you like to swing like a big girl, but you've just recently been able to sit up enough to enjoy it for hours.
You love to say hi to your toes on a regular basis and give them a long squeeze when you do. 
When you "talk" it's sort of a gurgly singing. I love to talk to you in your language. 
You've tried a few foods lately too. I thought I could make you wait a little longer, but you're so interested and get upset when I don't let you try what I have on my plate. And, I'm not going to lie, it keeps you preoccupied for a few precious moments when we have to run into the store. You're so good at biting and chewing, even without teeth. So far you've had: rice rusks, strawberries, avocado, banana and a pickle(my hair doesn't count). You've loved all of them. I'm pretty sure you're a big food lover like me. 

I never thought I'd enjoy having a girl so much, but the longer I have you the more I love it. Little girls are so fun and so different from little boys. You're so fragile inside and out. I hope I can make a great childhood for you.
You're FIVE months old already, it goes by too fast but I can't wait to see the little lady you'll turn into. Just stay small a while longer (please).

Friday, June 20, 2014

Half a Decade

What is it about love? It makes you feel so incredibly strange doesn't it? Love makes you have a whole new perspective on things. Love teaches you, I think, most of all. 

Last week we celebrated our fifth anniversary. Five years! ...Half a decade. How did that happen all the sudden? In the past I always wondered what our relationship would be like a few years into our marriage. I always wondered if we would still love each other just as much or if it would end up shambled, like so many of the marriages we've seen around us.
Our first few weeks of marriage were absolutely amazing. We were totally inseparable and completely infatuated with each other. As the months went on though I began to feel scared. I was scared that we had made a hasty decision or even worse, the wrong decision. It was hard and we of course began to argue over time. There were walls that had to be torn down between us. Sometimes it can be pretty hard to get to know someone so well, but when you go through some nasty stuff with each other and get out to the other end fine, that has to say a lot. And I think the only thing that can get you through something like that and still have each other in the end is a love so deep and unconditional, that you had no idea what it was capable of going through in the first place. Bluntly, our marriage would not have lasted if I had the attitude of David or David had my attitude. During our rough times he would not even allow the "D word". I don't know if it's because he was out to prove something or if he had a deep conviction, but it's because of his commitment that we didn't end it early. I have never been a very trusting person either. I don't know if it's from being hurt or what, but when I saw how much David trusts me, with every little part of himself, I began to let go and put some trust in him. It was amazing, this trust thing. I felt like I was completely and totally vulnerable and it was incredible. It was one of the best and hardest things I've ever done. It opened up a whole new door for us and our relationship changed. Our love changed. After a certain point our love was no longer about infatuation but about getting through things together. As a team. Going through every little detail of our lives, thick and thin, and doing it TOGETHER with love and gratitude.
I know, logically thinking, why would you do that? Why would you make yourself vulnerable, have arguments , and make yourself troop through tough times? It's more than just, "I've gotta get through this because so many are giving up too." It's that feeling, that word that people use way too loosely. Love.
Affection, romance, that bubbly feeling, It's way more than that, way more than what the movies will lead us to believe. Love is hard. Love hurts. Love makes you cry more than you want it to. It's not about those good feelings, it's about what it can stand up to. And I will say it again, love teaches you most of all.

I want to write a little foot note to say thank you to my husband. Thank you for five years(and beyond). Thanks for sticking with me accepting me and being patient with me. Thank you for the two children you've helped me with. You we're so strong through their births and there's no way they would have been so easy without you by my side. I'm completely convinced I made the right decision and i can't wait to see where life takes us. Together.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

The Next Big Break

I'm going to admit something that I don't want to, but I try to remind myself that there's probably some mothers out there like me, but don't admit it either. I remember being a new parent when Everett was born, I knew he was growing fast, but in the back of my mind, I felt like it wasn't going fast enough. I couldn't wait until he let me have more than a couple hours of sleep at a time. Then I couldn't wait for him to sit up and entertain himself for a few minutes. I couldn't wait for him to sleep the entire night. I couldn't wait for him to start crawling and then I couldn't wait for him to start food so I wouldn't have to nurse him so much. I couldn't wait for him to walk, get around by himself, and feed himself. It seemed to never end. I loved him so much and I tried to enjoy the moments, but I'm not going to lie, it was rough. I remember all the hours I spent trying to get a cranky baby to sleep, completely lost and confused on how to help him. He fell asleep in my sisters arms one day and I was in utter shock and almost cried because I didn't have to spend another hour of my day trying to lull a tired baby to sleep. I loved him so much, without a doubt, but I was always ready for the next step, the next big break. It felt like it would go by so slow at times… and then of course his babyhood slipped through my fingers faster than I imagined once it was gone. Now that I have another I realized, he was a hard baby(just like a lot of babies, including my second), but that's about all I looked at during that time. I rarely reminded myself or noticed all the easy stuff. All of the stuff I now miss. Miss incredibly. I remember sitting in my room, nursing his bottomless tummy, and reading a good book on my Kindle for hours during the day. I selfishly thought how bad I had it, having a baby stuck to me practically the entire day. It never even crossed my mind that one day I would want to be back in those very moments, getting lost in a wonderful book while having my heart right next to me, curled up in my arms, skin to skin, rocking him gently during those very peaceful moments. We would become totally lost in the moment, just him, and me, and my book. How he loved to cuddle and be near me. Always in my arms. Always wanting ME. 
Now I lay next to him to put him down for a nap. We've read a book, he's all stretched out, next to me, he looks so tall and big wrapped up in his sheets. He's so completely different from the years that have passed, so fast. This is a very rare moment. A moment when he's so calm and lets me wrap my arms around him. A peaceful moment when we can get lost and enjoy one another. I lay there and remember the days when we used to do this and I didn't enjoy it so much. I never really thought that I would actually miss those days when all I could do was hold him. And now I'm here, realizing that I will never get his baby days back. Ever. He's growing too fast for me to keep up with. And soon he will not want me to hold and squeeze him or enjoy a quiet moment with him. He won't want me to read books in bed with him anymore. Those baby days when I could have his little ball of a body in my arms all day are gone. He's growing into a boy and growing into an even bigger boy and I can't seem to slow it down enough for my mind to cope with. I regret not enjoying all those moments with just him and me, because it's such a rare thing these days. But there is such a valuable lesson I've learned from him. Enjoy the moments. Look for the good things in the bad moments, because there always will be, even if you can't see them. There will be a day you might want them back. The peacefulness or even just the lessons they teach us, there's always good in them. 
There will be a day when Everett won't let me lay there with him as he drifts away to sleep, but I will enjoy it so much right now and I hope that will be enough to get me through his growing years.