I'm going to admit something that I don't want to, but I try to remind myself that there's probably some mothers out there like me, but don't admit it either. I remember being a new parent when Everett was born, I knew he was growing fast, but in the back of my mind, I felt like it wasn't going fast enough. I couldn't wait until he let me have more than a couple hours of sleep at a time. Then I couldn't wait for him to sit up and entertain himself for a few minutes. I couldn't wait for him to sleep the entire night. I couldn't wait for him to start crawling and then I couldn't wait for him to start food so I wouldn't have to nurse him so much. I couldn't wait for him to walk, get around by himself, and feed himself. It seemed to never end. I loved him so much and I tried to enjoy the moments, but I'm not going to lie, it was rough. I remember all the hours I spent trying to get a cranky baby to sleep, completely lost and confused on how to help him. He fell asleep in my sisters arms one day and I was in utter shock and almost cried because I didn't have to spend another hour of my day trying to lull a tired baby to sleep. I loved him so much, without a doubt, but I was always ready for the next step, the next big break. It felt like it would go by so slow at times… and then of course his babyhood slipped through my fingers faster than I imagined once it was gone. Now that I have another I realized, he was a hard baby(just like a lot of babies, including my second), but that's about all I looked at during that time. I rarely reminded myself or noticed all the easy stuff. All of the stuff I now miss. Miss incredibly. I remember sitting in my room, nursing his bottomless tummy, and reading a good book on my Kindle for hours during the day. I selfishly thought how bad I had it, having a baby stuck to me practically the entire day. It never even crossed my mind that one day I would want to be back in those very moments, getting lost in a wonderful book while having my heart right next to me, curled up in my arms, skin to skin, rocking him gently during those very peaceful moments. We would become totally lost in the moment, just him, and me, and my book. How he loved to cuddle and be near me. Always in my arms. Always wanting ME.
Now I lay next to him to put him down for a nap. We've read a book, he's all stretched out, next to me, he looks so tall and big wrapped up in his sheets. He's so completely different from the years that have passed, so fast. This is a very rare moment. A moment when he's so calm and lets me wrap my arms around him. A peaceful moment when we can get lost and enjoy one another. I lay there and remember the days when we used to do this and I didn't enjoy it so much. I never really thought that I would actually miss those days when all I could do was hold him. And now I'm here, realizing that I will never get his baby days back. Ever. He's growing too fast for me to keep up with. And soon he will not want me to hold and squeeze him or enjoy a quiet moment with him. He won't want me to read books in bed with him anymore. Those baby days when I could have his little ball of a body in my arms all day are gone. He's growing into a boy and growing into an even bigger boy and I can't seem to slow it down enough for my mind to cope with. I regret not enjoying all those moments with just him and me, because it's such a rare thing these days. But there is such a valuable lesson I've learned from him. Enjoy the moments. Look for the good things in the bad moments, because there always will be, even if you can't see them. There will be a day you might want them back. The peacefulness or even just the lessons they teach us, there's always good in them.
There will be a day when Everett won't let me lay there with him as he drifts away to sleep, but I will enjoy it so much right now and I hope that will be enough to get me through his growing years.